So yesturday i didnt post , because it was a horrible day for me and i was livid mad and i tell myself when your THAT mad , you need to filter your words and emotions before you post it up on a blog. You never know who's reading and in my case i often get in trouble because i talk too fast and on the spurt of the moment.

My ex (Nates dad)  decided to do the un-thinkable , he filed a claim in court againts me , i didnt get a notice or nothing... he filed for child support and back pay from in the past and he won , so yesturday i went into my bank account to find that my account is no longer existant... I call the bank up and they tell me that the governement has seized my account and i have to take it up with them to know why. I call the governement and they transfer me to the child support departement , and thats when i had a gut feeling things were going to be bad ...

Alright so before i continue i wanna shine a light on MY financial situation and this will maybe shock alot of you to know but im not ashamed , i have nothing to be ashamed of .... My only income is my child support and baby bonus for the moment , my fiancé is still looking for work and not everyone has luck with that . We get by okay with what we have and of course extra would be awesome but for now we have to deal with whats our reality and this is it . I'm not shamed as i said before , i'm actually proud that we get by with so little and the kids dont miss out on anything. We budjet everything, we use coupons and we try to save on as much as we can .

Ok , so since now they seized our account and thats where my income was being deposited , I am left with NOTHING until they un-seize it ... so yesturday was a horrible emotional day , i had to phone food banks to get food as yesturday was suposed to be our grocery day . No one was able to help us because they arent getting enough people to donate food to them so they could help people out. So i have to turn to family and everyone is doing their best to help us but with this time of year and everything they have going on , its not that simple for them to help us. So while im making phone calls , sending emails and doing everything i possibily can to get out of this horrible situation , Nates dad calls .... And i'm thinking to myself , oh my goodness here goes trouble and seriously out of the blue today ? while ive been trying to get a hold of him for weeks? ... Anyways i answer and he acts like NOTHING is wrong and all is beautiful in the land of morrons...

So i asked him if he knew what had happend to me today , He said he had no idea but that if it happend it must of been because i owed him. And then i flipped.... I totally flipped, i broke down and dished him every little thing that he has put me through , the facts that i know my son is not fully happy and the fact that i need to have him with me and back here , the facts that hes always working and our son is not having a childhood with the schedual of Morning day care, School , Lunch daycare, School , after school day care and then hes home at 5:30pm , has to do homework , eat , wash up and go to bed to do it all over again the next morning... he never gets to be a kid and play , he rarely see's his father and i'm home all day wondering where he his , whats he doin , is he okay, who he is with and then i try and call and i hear him crying and begging me to come get him and i have to deal with his nasty gf making remarks to nate that he needs to get off the phone and all the crap that comes with it ... He tells me i cant have him back , that i wont get him back until he's done middle school and only when he goes to high school ?!?!?! Escuse my launguage but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ????? He told and promissed that when i wanted we would sign papers and nate could come home with me , as long as i find him a good school that fits his needs and everything else he needs...

Thing is with this A**hole , He talks to me like im a child ... he always has and always will , He lies and cheats on anyone or everything he crosses paths with . He thinks that im still that dumb naive 17 yr old who just had a baby and is lost and desperate ... NEWS FLASH big boy ! I'm 24 , i've grown and i've gotten stronger with the time and my experiences and NOTHING can stop me or bring me down now , Nothing you can say or do to me will make me stop and cry in a corner and give up on what i want in life , I'm not that little girl anymore that you can toss around and boss around , I'm a grown woman who faced her fears and theres no stopping me now when i put my mind to it , i do it and i get through it . I also told him i wanted to tell on him cheating on his gf with me in september 2007 ,YES it was wrong but i wanted to revenge her for doing it to me while i was pregnant with nate and that he was suposed to go get a job and i was out at my moms or trying to make extra money for us to get by....Ok I was single when it happend , he wasnt, his problem not mine... i'm sick of her looking and treating me like IM the bad one , when shes the one that 6 yrs ago came into MY life , MY home , Slept with MY boyfriend and Ruined MY family and i never ONCE gave her a dirty look , a dirty comment or anything ... I was the bigger woman in this whole mess ... and she needs to realise that if she wants to keep treating me like a bitch fine by her but karma is a bitch and one day they will get theirs....

For now my focus i on MY life , MY son and My family ....I can walk around saying that i'm not a homewrecker , i'm fine with myself and at peace with myself . But you know when rage hits you , you do thing your not proud of in life ... I will never regret my son but i DO oh boy do i ever regret his father , i regret giving in to his bullshit and really believing he was on the same page as me doing what was best for nate when all this time , he's taking advantage of the situation to kick me where it hurts, My Mommy heart....

So when you tuck your kids in bed tonight and watch them drift away to lala land.... remember that some of us dont have the chance to and even though i have other kids to keep me busy and to watch sleep and tuck in , my heart is broken ... its like a puzzle that is missing a piece, you know that feeling you get as a mom where you wonder where your child is, what he or she is doing , are they safe ? well i live with that feeling since September 2010 , every day , every night... i do not know anything about where he is , what hes doing, if hes safe... i cant walk over there to make sure hes ok , i can only call and pray he picks up ... and now a days i dont even get to hear him over the phone. Its heartbreaking , its horrible and i do not wish this on anyone not even my worst enemys...So cherish your babies as you watch them grow up and take part in all they do and never take anything for granted. If your a seperated mom and have to share your child with their dad or mom or even if you have a step child... Always be careful , you never know when someone will turn on you ...

As you can see this post started about money and ended with me talking about my son and how hard it is on me and him.... Its clearly not the money im worried because i know ill make it through and find a solution ... but it is about my son and that i want whats best for him and miss him terribly , Money will always be there and its a situation that solutions will come and fix it in a flash ... But My baby will grow up and things will never be the same if i dont fight for him and give HIM a voice on what he wants and needs to succeed... It's horrible that his father doesnt see this and doesnt consider his needs and all he wants is to hurt me and take the one thing i cherish the most and that he knows he can hurt me with.... Our kids are not weapons , they are Tresures.... we need to appreaciate them , hear them out and love them , teach them to stand up for themselves and that even though they are so little , they have a choice and they have a voice.

So i'm going to fight for him , give him a voice and let him be the captain of his ship ... His dad and i have our differences and we will deal with them but for now all that matters is my son . I thank god that my daughter's father and i have great comunication , we get along and we want the same things for our daughter .... Thats the key people , when you seperated from the father of your child , your seperated from THEM ... NOT your child and its not a competition to see who gets more and who gets less ... Its a battle but i doesnt have to be a bad batttle... I have seen both sides , the bad battle and the good battle. And if my daughter's father can read this , i wanna say Thank you! Thank you for being a good dad and putting our daughter first and agreeing that we are there for her as parents even though we live appart..... with that said all i have to add is , It's all about TEAM WORK.....

Have a great day everyone,
xox
Martine

24 weeks today!

Today marks me being 24 weeks pregnant ... 24 weeks can u believe it , i feel like time is flying by! only 16 weeks left til my due date and 14 weeks until 38 weeks which is usually around the time i give birth to my babies. I've been talking with my friend who is a photographer and asked her to do my Maternity pictures , i've never had maternity pictures done before so i'm pretty excited about getting them done and having something extra to keep and look back on . My question to you is , if you had maternity pictures done before, how many weeks were you and how many weeks do you think its best to get them done. One thing that tears my heart apart is the only time i get all my kids together is holidays and thoses are busy times for anyone so i assume my photographer wont be able to take pictures of us as a family since it's christmas for everyone and she must have plans with her family . But i tell myself that once the baby is here , we can always schedual something  and get a pictures done of all 5 kids .

So yesturday the electrician came over and fixed our electricity problem , so that means i get to put my christmas tree up this weekend !!! YAY!!! i'm so excited that ill be able to put it in the living room this year , last year we had to put it in our dinning room but this year we are hosting christmas dinner on the 25th and the 26th for our familys and our dinning room will be packed so no room for the tree. I'm looking forward to decorating with the kids and getting into the christmas spirit, now if only it would snow a bit...

The weather has been crazy , we are almost mid-november and the weather goes to 16 celcius certain days and that for us is warm for november.so i'm hoping we can get some snowflakes and snow on the ground for december . I appreciated this weather being warm for halloween so the kids didnt have to wear their winter gear under their costumes but now that its over , I WANT ME SOME SNOW!!! i don't want a green christmas , i want a white white white christmas!!!

I found the missing charger for my video camera , i'm so glad i did so now ill be able to video tape christmas and other events and now that i figured out how to put them on my computer , i'm all set to make beautiful dvd memories to cherish forever !

My plans for today :
- I have laundry to put away
-Sweep the floors
- Dishes

and THATS IT! i'm taking it easy for the rest of the day , yesturday i had some pretty bad braxton hicks and that gives me a signs that i need to chill a bit more. I don't wanna be going into pre-mature labor again....

So i hope everyone has a great tuesday! and your comments are always wanted :) That way its not like im talking to myself lol .... And i fixed my blog so that anyone can leave a comment i just have to approove them before they appear below my entries , so if you comment and don't see your comment appear in the comments DO NOT PANIC , ill approove it and it will be there before you know it :)

Have a good one
xox
Martine

Another monday ....

so the weekend has passed , i hope you all had a good one ...

Mine was pretty un-eventful but not too boring , Saturday i cleaned and watched t.v , sorted out some clothes for the kids and my father in law came over for coffee and to chit chat so it was a nice day overall ... Yesturday i started laundry and then went to my mom's for dinner with the boys and got to see my grandma and my auntie that i havent seen in a while , my aunt quit smoking and has been doing awesome with it ! Im so proud of her , it's a big step !!

Today my mom started her new job and i couldnt be happier for her , she really needed it since her last job was run by a bunch of idiots and she wasnt treated the way she deserved to with all the hard work she did put in for them so WTG mom ! i hope she has an awesome day and that she likes her new work place :)

For me today , i have dishes to put away ... my laundry to finish , the repairman came back this morning to put in a new fire alarm and he will be back this week to work on our kitchen wall and said we should hear from the electrician this week and now i have to re-email them to see whats up for my bath because he didnt re-mention it and well its a must that they get it done...I'm waiting on the electrician to fix the electricity so i can set up my christmas tree ... so he better get his butt in gear so i can do so.

I got to talk to my son on the phone friday , im really glad for that but now im trying to find a way that i could see him more often because its taking a toll on him and me and i cant stand to hear him cry and beg me to go get him when im miles away and with no car to do so .... praying to god that he will lead me on that path so i can make things happend for us all...

So thats it for today , nothing much going on ... hope you all have a great monday!

xox
Martine

Happy Saturday everyone !

Today is my laundry day and when the kids nap i will wash my floors and bathroom ... the bathroom i always have to wait for nicolas to go to bed because if i go in there and close the door behind me , he will kick and scream until i come out ... Its lamost like he think the toilet is a teleportation device that will teleport me to china and he has to stop me lol So i wait til he's napping that way i can keep the door open while i clean it.

Yesturday we had a repairman come over to check on the things i signaled to the housing office that needed fixing up , First thing was the damn window in the hallway... I live on the 2nd floor and the neighbour have wild animals that look like humans O.o , and we have this window in the hallway that has no screen and they would open that windows , yell to their friends outside and then leave it open .... Ok so my door has a chain on it that the kids cannot open it without me removing the chain but still what if one morning they decided to take a chair and take off the chain and go in the hallway , look through that window and fall 2 floors down to the pavement because of the little shits that don't understand my language when i ask them nicely to close the window and not use it the way they do because i have small children etc... I would go mental ! So we told the repairman and he bolted the window shut , man i wish i had eyes in the hallway to see their expression when they TRY to open the window again hahahaha...

The second thing we asked to be fixed is the wall behind my kitchen sink , water infiltrated the wall from upstairs and well the wall made big bubbles and its bursted but still not my wall looks horrible :( here are pictures of my wall :

The next thing was our bathtub , the paint has been chipping off in the bottom and im worried that the kids will have a piece of it go into their genitals and then they will have an infection due to that when i bathe them ... They are suposed to send me a bath expert to re-do the whole bath , im excited !!!

And then the next thing was to get us a new firealarm and the electricity in my living room ... on the right side of my living room all the outlets work fine but on the left side , the outlets do not work .... he said he would send an electritian for that because he cannot understand what it is , he tried the brakers nothing... he tried to check with his gadjet if there was any electric current going through and his gadjet said yes but when we would try to plug in a hairdryer or something else , it wouldnt work.... 

Thing is , ive been trying to get the electric , bath and window issue fixed since october 2010.... and they just now send someone... i was calling them , leaving messages and i got NOTHING and then i got fed up , wrote an e-mail to them and BOOM now that i have it in writting , they send someone.... ( typical them) But the repairman man was so nice and was a joker and was good to the boys too , answerd max's 100000 questions lol and chit chatted with us while he checked things out. So next week he will send me an electrician and he will come fix my wall and then i should know when the bath expert will come re-do the tub.

I cant wait !!! I will finally be able to put my christmas tree in the living room instead of having to put it in the dinning room .... and ill be able to change my living room around if i want to , instead of having to have everything electric plugged on one side of the the room. 

Last night we watched The zookeeper on payperview , Very funny! i recommend it ! 

so im going to get to the laundry and spend time with the boys and i hope you all have a great saturday!

Today is rememberance day so i'd like to give out my thanks to all thoses who served for our country and thoses who lost their lives for us and also to my dad who served in the canadian army.

Did you notice the date today , 11/11/11 pretty special if you ask me ... well today is also the day where my daughter goes to her dad's for a week , i love my daughter with all my heart and as much as i do it's a good thing we do the week thing because not only she gets to spend time with her dad but it makes it a little more quiet around here and there is less fighting going on ... although the boys still keep me on my toes and have the energy of 10 kids together lol so she has all her stuff ready and waiting for her grandma to pick her up .I took out the mits, scarfs and hat or as we say in canada ''tuques'' because the weather is really getting colder and colder.

So this weekend , im gonna sort out the clothes and get out the warmer stuff , maybe look into my storage room to unclutter it a bit and make it accessable to go get my christmas stuff next week ( its wayyy in the back) So today is a usual , tidying up & cleaning day ...

Baby boy has been moving SO much lately , i can feel him higher when he kicks so i guess that means he's growing well and starting to lose space to move around ... So far its been the best pregnancy ever , no morning sickness , no false labor like the other pregnancies , no complications just able to relax and enjoy my growing baby belly and count down the weeks to his arrival.I've gained about 10lbs so far and i can official not see my feet anymore but i can still get in and out of the bath tub on my own lol ... We are still debating on names to give him , so far its gonna be Mathieu but i wanna wait and see what he looks like and then make the final decision. Last pregnancy we were told it was a girl the whole time and then when i gave birth , out popped a boy lol so we had to find a name last minute even though in my heart nicolas was my main choice.
I know that they cant really go wrong when they say its a boy its usually a boy but there could be a possibility that it was the embelical cord and not a penis... so we shall find out when the baby is born .

Here are a few pics from my sonogram that i had at 19 weeks...

Hope everyone has a great weekend !
xox
Martine

Brrrrrr!! It's cold out there !!! but i'm looking forward to the snow , they say its gonna snow tomorow and i know if it does it wont stick but just to wake up to a beautiful snowflake fall is enough to put a smile on my face. Maybe it's because i don't have a driveway to shovel or a car to scrape and sweep but i love it , it puts me in such a good mood and i know that snow means christmas and christmas means i get to see my son again.

Yesturday i cried myself to sleep , as i had promissed Nate ( my oldest son who lives with his father) i was going to call him yesturday and when i did try the phone line was busy so, i sent a text message to his father to ask him if there was a way i could talk to nate and he told me that his phone line was broke because of his modem and that i would have to wait for them to replace it to call and that he's waiting on fed-ex to bring him a new modem and then the line would be fixed so either thursday (today) or friday... My problem with that was that if i sent him a text and he answerd it must be because his cell phone is fine and he could of made him call from his cell or at least let me call on his cell to speak to my son. But no he said i had to wait....

I gave birth to that little man , i carried him for 9 months , i was the one who cared for him while his father was busy doing other things , i got up every single night even several times a night to feed my son and rock him to sleep , i was there when he got his first cold , his first tooth, when he took his first steps and said his first words... I was the one who waited in a hospital for hours so my son could be checked up for his asthma . Where was he , I dont know but as i remember clearly he wasnt there and the only time he was , was every two weekends when nate was a lil older and he couldnt have him at his place, he had to have him for the weekend at his mothers because i couldnt trust him alone to care for our child and plus with his roomates being douchebags , i didnt want my child around that sort of behavior ... and when he was at his mom's he was out partying with friends and people who hated me with a passion. But yet i have to wait? Now im just hoping that my little man doesnt think i forgot about him and that his dad did give him the message that i tried calling and was honnest for once in his life and told him that it wasnt my fault.

Me and His Girlfriend do not get along , maybe because he cheated on me with her ... maybe because they have their own issues they have to work on or maybe she knows what i know and that is that Nate's dad has never gotten over me and if it was just up to him he would be with me instead of her ... And by the way do not even worry about me going back to him , Fool me once , Fool me twice but NOT three times... he's never the same when i call and she's around , when shes around he has this attitude switch and then when she's not he makes flirty remarks and acts all nice with me even to the point of calling me the nickname he gave me when we were dating.... But to her , I'M the bitch.... i'm the homewrecker .... I wish i could get time to speak with her face to face because oh my goodness do i ever have alot to tell her , not to fight or start shit with her but to simply tell her the truth about EVERYTHING , everything he has obviously failed to tell her about and is hiding from her . Maybe she will read this someday and thats when ill get my chance.

I never gave up on my child, I did what was best for him at the time and now i regret ever making that choice because it's like his father is keeping nate hostage from me ... I dont feel whole , i feel like theres always something missing , I earned the right to be there for him and i thought he really cared about his son and wanted to help him and be there for him like a dad is suposed to be ... I'm not saying he's horrible because he does have his good sides and if he was bad to nate i would know because Nate is a very honnest little guy and tells me everything. What breaks my mommy heart even more then my own feelings is when i have my daughter ask me why nate isnt with us anymore , when is he coming back, how many sleeps are left til christmas and then ask her if its for santa to come and she says no mom its for nate to come home and play with us. It's when i see their little faces light up when they speak to their big brother on the phone , when we went trick or treating and took a family picture with him missing in it... everything is sooo empty without him .

This christmas , i dont want any gifts nothing at all ... i just want a chance to bring my son home to stay , not just for a vacation but for good... His father says to comfort me that he knows how hard it is to not be able to see Nate like i want to .... Hmmmm NO YOU DON'T ! You don't know what it's like because when you were the one seeing him once in a while it was every 2 weekends and you only had to wait 2 weeks , but this is my history of seeing my son : i got him in June to august from his summer break , then i last saw him on the first week of october and now i have to wait until christmas.... and then everytime i call him i have to deal with the heartwrenching tears and him begging me to bring him back home , him telling me he will be good and that he promisses ( when its cleary not the reason why he's away from me ). He'S 3 hours away from me , i have no car to go get him when i please to , His father made the choice to move over there to be with his girlfriend even after i begged him not to because i knew it would become an issue...

This is his schedual over there : He gets dropped off at school for 8 am , he goes to school all day then when he's done he goes to a daycare until his father or his step mom gets off work and they pick him up at 5:30pm , then he has to eat dinner, do his homework , take his bath and hes in bed by 8pm .... and on weekends they both work too so he NEVER see's family , he has No one out there but his dad , his step mom and his little sister .... Over here i could bring him to school in the morning , pick him up for lunch , bring him back ,pick him up after school at 3:30pm and then he could play a little , do his homework , have dinner with us , play until bathtime and bedtime.... and over here he has family , he has my mom , my dad, his great grandmothers 7 grandfathers , his aunts and oncles , his brothers and sisters , his grandmother on his dad's side .... he has everyone over here but no one there...I know his dad has to work but i know things that he knows as well and deep inside we all know he doesnt have to work THAT much ...

it just breaks my heart that his dad fed me all this fantasy bullcrap about how nate would be happier there until things work out for my situation and all that when he knew he could never offer nate what i can ... that ive been believing his dad's lies and high hopes for nearly 10 yrs now and im still believing him ( until now) that he's that selfish to the point of our son having to go through this alone out there....  I could go on and on about it , but i think you all will agree with me when i say , my promiss and my goal right now is to get my son back with me ... i dont care what it costs or what i will have to do but i will get him back , ive tried asking his dad to give me him back and he tells me that the social workers think im un-stable and that nate isnt ready to come back to me.... Ummm HELLO? what social workers , they never called me , they never asked my side of the story and i dont even know their names or who they are because HE wont tell me....

Ill get him back , and then his dad will be able to say he knows what i go through , only then will he see how it trully feels to be out of the loop and then maybe just maybe he will stop being selfish and he will understand that its not about HIS needs but Nate's needs...

Thank you for reading ! i hope you all have a great thursday ....
xox
Martine

To my readers and my family readers

Half way over with this week , yesturday i had an overload of hormones and it seemed that everything i read , heard or did ticked me off. I blame hormones , the bitchyness was shooting out of me like a canon ! This morning i woke up relaxed and happy without the noise of the construction , crazy how waking up in a certain way can affect your whole day and mood . Being pregnant has me dealing with hormones in a way i never thought possible , i'm not dangerous but i annoy myself sometimes and when i do i sit back and think oh my goodness my poor family who has to put up with it . Good thing is no one has ever been pregnant forever and someday i'll get rid of this annoying rage and hormonal rollercoaster and be myself again until then i try to tame myself and find ways to not take it out on people...

I wanted to adress something , i know alot of my readers are family and its public so even my ex's can read this and i want them all to know , if i speak of something going on in my life , do not take it personnally as this blog is my journal and i will not hide or keep back on anything i have to get out , it's my therapy , my way out... I have issues with my ex just like any other seperated mom , i have issues with in-laws just like anyone in a relationship , i have issues with my parents and my siblings just like any other sister or daughter that has a family , i have issues with friends just like anyone else who has friendships and i have feeling just like every other human being on this earth and getting them out and speaking my mind is my way of letting go and moving on ... I won't name names , i won't bash people and i will not dish out my problems without adressing that i reconise my faults with the situation. But please respect this area of my life and understand that i'm not trying to hurt anyone , i'm only trying to heal myself ...

So that being said , if ever you feel like my blog is too much for you or that you feel the finger is pointed at you PLEASE come to me in private about it ... One of the reasons i made this blog was to show people that i'm human , i hurt, i love , i cry and i have things that need release and writting is my way .I'm saying this because everytime i do post an entry to my blog i publish it on my facebook and thats where my family and friends get to access it...


 As an example , when i got pregnant with this baby ... i was TERRIFIED to tell my family and inlaws about it so instead of facing them and having to deal with the bad comments and opinions that would hurt and stress me out , i decided i would write an e-mail to my loved ones and explain to them why i emailed them instead of speaking to them face to face and what i wanted from the whole situation... I knew that no one was going to be SUPER happy about it and i knew i would get deception from alot of them , so i explained that when i got pregnant at 16 i expected people to be shocked and sad and i accepted the emotions and opinions that everyone had about me being too young etc... But i also explained that even though i was young , i did it and i got through it and i was the best mom i could be to that little baby boy . When i got pregnant with my 2nd , my side of the family had a hard time with it , my mom and my boyfriend at the time did not get along and she was worried for me and i accepted it and today i can say i did it , i got through it and i was and still am the best mom i can be for that little girl.The 3rd same issues , things happend fast my inlaws were so excited because we were giving them another grandchild and it had been 13 years since they last had a baby around but my family wasnt too excited about it since me and my boyfriend were not dating very long and i had 2 other kids to care for and everything was still new.... 4th pregnancy , Everyone was devastated ... Im sure the reaction could of been worst but it was heartbreaking for me because i was the one getting pregnant by suprise and having to deal with my own fears , my own worrys and my own feeling and now i had to deal with everyone's feelings , worrys and fears , i felt like the worl was on my shoulders. So when i got pregnant by suprise this time , i said to myself Screw this i'm not gonna carry anyone elses worrys , fears or feelings on my shoulders this time , i am gonna email them the news and tell them how i trully feel and ill make this short and so i explained how i felt everytime i got pregnant in the past and how their opinions, comments and reactions affect me and how this was not good for me or the baby that they stressed me out and this time i was going to let them carry their feelings about it on their own ... I told them that for ONCE in my life , i wanted to feel free of stress and not have to deal with their hurtful comments like '' Oh no not again !'' or '' I thought the last baby was enough for you to handle'' or even have a certain someone say at the hospital that the reason why i was screaming or yelling during my last labor was because i was too young for this... when the real truth was its' childbirth , yes i am young but ive done it before and every experience is different so back off!... Anyways i told them all that if they wanted to say their opinion they either had to suck it up and that id rather them lie and say congrats instead of dealing with the comments again ... That For ONCE i wanted to feel what it was like for people to trust me and know that even though it wasnt planned , that i got this and that im great at it and for them to be happy for ME and stop thinking of themselves and how they felt for a change...

It worked , even though some of the people still give me the cold shoulder when i speak about the baby or my pregnancy but this pregnancy has made me realise that my bullshit tolerence level is ZERO and if i dont like something , ill say it and if i think someone is out of line, ill put them in line ...and that If i have a choice to make about my life or my situation , ILL be the one who takes it NO ONE else will affect my decisions . I'm a big girl , ive been through this 4 times already and if you count my miscarages , i think im used to this and i can do this.... and people not being suportive of me and my choice is just as bad and just the same as telling me im a bad mom or a bad person... So if ever you feel like my blog is speaking about you , it might be and it might not but the truth is , deal with it . Deal with it because this is MY way of dealing with it ... and stop paranoying about '' oh someone is gonna know i did something or think bad of me '' RELAX , no one knows who you are on here and if you cant do the time then dont do the crime... if you did something that hurt me , im gonna talk about it , if you step all over me , im gonna talk about it ... i wont mention names , i wont call you names but i will let it out.

Alright , wow that was a long post lollll....

Let's start this day and let the sun shine and happiness flow through , you only have ONE life to live so its best to make it worth it and everything you want it to be. this is my release and my blog is my therapy ....

xoxox
Martine