A Walk in my shoes

Brrrrrr!! It's cold out there !!! but i'm looking forward to the snow , they say its gonna snow tomorow and i know if it does it wont stick but just to wake up to a beautiful snowflake fall is enough to put a smile on my face. Maybe it's because i don't have a driveway to shovel or a car to scrape and sweep but i love it , it puts me in such a good mood and i know that snow means christmas and christmas means i get to see my son again.

Yesturday i cried myself to sleep , as i had promissed Nate ( my oldest son who lives with his father) i was going to call him yesturday and when i did try the phone line was busy so, i sent a text message to his father to ask him if there was a way i could talk to nate and he told me that his phone line was broke because of his modem and that i would have to wait for them to replace it to call and that he's waiting on fed-ex to bring him a new modem and then the line would be fixed so either thursday (today) or friday... My problem with that was that if i sent him a text and he answerd it must be because his cell phone is fine and he could of made him call from his cell or at least let me call on his cell to speak to my son. But no he said i had to wait....

I gave birth to that little man , i carried him for 9 months , i was the one who cared for him while his father was busy doing other things , i got up every single night even several times a night to feed my son and rock him to sleep , i was there when he got his first cold , his first tooth, when he took his first steps and said his first words... I was the one who waited in a hospital for hours so my son could be checked up for his asthma . Where was he , I dont know but as i remember clearly he wasnt there and the only time he was , was every two weekends when nate was a lil older and he couldnt have him at his place, he had to have him for the weekend at his mothers because i couldnt trust him alone to care for our child and plus with his roomates being douchebags , i didnt want my child around that sort of behavior ... and when he was at his mom's he was out partying with friends and people who hated me with a passion. But yet i have to wait? Now im just hoping that my little man doesnt think i forgot about him and that his dad did give him the message that i tried calling and was honnest for once in his life and told him that it wasnt my fault.

Me and His Girlfriend do not get along , maybe because he cheated on me with her ... maybe because they have their own issues they have to work on or maybe she knows what i know and that is that Nate's dad has never gotten over me and if it was just up to him he would be with me instead of her ... And by the way do not even worry about me going back to him , Fool me once , Fool me twice but NOT three times... he's never the same when i call and she's around , when shes around he has this attitude switch and then when she's not he makes flirty remarks and acts all nice with me even to the point of calling me the nickname he gave me when we were dating.... But to her , I'M the bitch.... i'm the homewrecker .... I wish i could get time to speak with her face to face because oh my goodness do i ever have alot to tell her , not to fight or start shit with her but to simply tell her the truth about EVERYTHING , everything he has obviously failed to tell her about and is hiding from her . Maybe she will read this someday and thats when ill get my chance.

I never gave up on my child, I did what was best for him at the time and now i regret ever making that choice because it's like his father is keeping nate hostage from me ... I dont feel whole , i feel like theres always something missing , I earned the right to be there for him and i thought he really cared about his son and wanted to help him and be there for him like a dad is suposed to be ... I'm not saying he's horrible because he does have his good sides and if he was bad to nate i would know because Nate is a very honnest little guy and tells me everything. What breaks my mommy heart even more then my own feelings is when i have my daughter ask me why nate isnt with us anymore , when is he coming back, how many sleeps are left til christmas and then ask her if its for santa to come and she says no mom its for nate to come home and play with us. It's when i see their little faces light up when they speak to their big brother on the phone , when we went trick or treating and took a family picture with him missing in it... everything is sooo empty without him .

This christmas , i dont want any gifts nothing at all ... i just want a chance to bring my son home to stay , not just for a vacation but for good... His father says to comfort me that he knows how hard it is to not be able to see Nate like i want to .... Hmmmm NO YOU DON'T ! You don't know what it's like because when you were the one seeing him once in a while it was every 2 weekends and you only had to wait 2 weeks , but this is my history of seeing my son : i got him in June to august from his summer break , then i last saw him on the first week of october and now i have to wait until christmas.... and then everytime i call him i have to deal with the heartwrenching tears and him begging me to bring him back home , him telling me he will be good and that he promisses ( when its cleary not the reason why he's away from me ). He'S 3 hours away from me , i have no car to go get him when i please to , His father made the choice to move over there to be with his girlfriend even after i begged him not to because i knew it would become an issue...

This is his schedual over there : He gets dropped off at school for 8 am , he goes to school all day then when he's done he goes to a daycare until his father or his step mom gets off work and they pick him up at 5:30pm , then he has to eat dinner, do his homework , take his bath and hes in bed by 8pm .... and on weekends they both work too so he NEVER see's family , he has No one out there but his dad , his step mom and his little sister .... Over here i could bring him to school in the morning , pick him up for lunch , bring him back ,pick him up after school at 3:30pm and then he could play a little , do his homework , have dinner with us , play until bathtime and bedtime.... and over here he has family , he has my mom , my dad, his great grandmothers 7 grandfathers , his aunts and oncles , his brothers and sisters , his grandmother on his dad's side .... he has everyone over here but no one there...I know his dad has to work but i know things that he knows as well and deep inside we all know he doesnt have to work THAT much ...

it just breaks my heart that his dad fed me all this fantasy bullcrap about how nate would be happier there until things work out for my situation and all that when he knew he could never offer nate what i can ... that ive been believing his dad's lies and high hopes for nearly 10 yrs now and im still believing him ( until now) that he's that selfish to the point of our son having to go through this alone out there....  I could go on and on about it , but i think you all will agree with me when i say , my promiss and my goal right now is to get my son back with me ... i dont care what it costs or what i will have to do but i will get him back , ive tried asking his dad to give me him back and he tells me that the social workers think im un-stable and that nate isnt ready to come back to me.... Ummm HELLO? what social workers , they never called me , they never asked my side of the story and i dont even know their names or who they are because HE wont tell me....

Ill get him back , and then his dad will be able to say he knows what i go through , only then will he see how it trully feels to be out of the loop and then maybe just maybe he will stop being selfish and he will understand that its not about HIS needs but Nate's needs...

Thank you for reading ! i hope you all have a great thursday ....
xox
Martine