A Walk in my shoes

So yesturday i didnt post , because it was a horrible day for me and i was livid mad and i tell myself when your THAT mad , you need to filter your words and emotions before you post it up on a blog. You never know who's reading and in my case i often get in trouble because i talk too fast and on the spurt of the moment.

My ex (Nates dad)  decided to do the un-thinkable , he filed a claim in court againts me , i didnt get a notice or nothing... he filed for child support and back pay from in the past and he won , so yesturday i went into my bank account to find that my account is no longer existant... I call the bank up and they tell me that the governement has seized my account and i have to take it up with them to know why. I call the governement and they transfer me to the child support departement , and thats when i had a gut feeling things were going to be bad ...

Alright so before i continue i wanna shine a light on MY financial situation and this will maybe shock alot of you to know but im not ashamed , i have nothing to be ashamed of .... My only income is my child support and baby bonus for the moment , my fiancé is still looking for work and not everyone has luck with that . We get by okay with what we have and of course extra would be awesome but for now we have to deal with whats our reality and this is it . I'm not shamed as i said before , i'm actually proud that we get by with so little and the kids dont miss out on anything. We budjet everything, we use coupons and we try to save on as much as we can .

Ok , so since now they seized our account and thats where my income was being deposited , I am left with NOTHING until they un-seize it ... so yesturday was a horrible emotional day , i had to phone food banks to get food as yesturday was suposed to be our grocery day . No one was able to help us because they arent getting enough people to donate food to them so they could help people out. So i have to turn to family and everyone is doing their best to help us but with this time of year and everything they have going on , its not that simple for them to help us. So while im making phone calls , sending emails and doing everything i possibily can to get out of this horrible situation , Nates dad calls .... And i'm thinking to myself , oh my goodness here goes trouble and seriously out of the blue today ? while ive been trying to get a hold of him for weeks? ... Anyways i answer and he acts like NOTHING is wrong and all is beautiful in the land of morrons...

So i asked him if he knew what had happend to me today , He said he had no idea but that if it happend it must of been because i owed him. And then i flipped.... I totally flipped, i broke down and dished him every little thing that he has put me through , the facts that i know my son is not fully happy and the fact that i need to have him with me and back here , the facts that hes always working and our son is not having a childhood with the schedual of Morning day care, School , Lunch daycare, School , after school day care and then hes home at 5:30pm , has to do homework , eat , wash up and go to bed to do it all over again the next morning... he never gets to be a kid and play , he rarely see's his father and i'm home all day wondering where he his , whats he doin , is he okay, who he is with and then i try and call and i hear him crying and begging me to come get him and i have to deal with his nasty gf making remarks to nate that he needs to get off the phone and all the crap that comes with it ... He tells me i cant have him back , that i wont get him back until he's done middle school and only when he goes to high school ?!?!?! Escuse my launguage but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ????? He told and promissed that when i wanted we would sign papers and nate could come home with me , as long as i find him a good school that fits his needs and everything else he needs...

Thing is with this A**hole , He talks to me like im a child ... he always has and always will , He lies and cheats on anyone or everything he crosses paths with . He thinks that im still that dumb naive 17 yr old who just had a baby and is lost and desperate ... NEWS FLASH big boy ! I'm 24 , i've grown and i've gotten stronger with the time and my experiences and NOTHING can stop me or bring me down now , Nothing you can say or do to me will make me stop and cry in a corner and give up on what i want in life , I'm not that little girl anymore that you can toss around and boss around , I'm a grown woman who faced her fears and theres no stopping me now when i put my mind to it , i do it and i get through it . I also told him i wanted to tell on him cheating on his gf with me in september 2007 ,YES it was wrong but i wanted to revenge her for doing it to me while i was pregnant with nate and that he was suposed to go get a job and i was out at my moms or trying to make extra money for us to get by....Ok I was single when it happend , he wasnt, his problem not mine... i'm sick of her looking and treating me like IM the bad one , when shes the one that 6 yrs ago came into MY life , MY home , Slept with MY boyfriend and Ruined MY family and i never ONCE gave her a dirty look , a dirty comment or anything ... I was the bigger woman in this whole mess ... and she needs to realise that if she wants to keep treating me like a bitch fine by her but karma is a bitch and one day they will get theirs....

For now my focus i on MY life , MY son and My family ....I can walk around saying that i'm not a homewrecker , i'm fine with myself and at peace with myself . But you know when rage hits you , you do thing your not proud of in life ... I will never regret my son but i DO oh boy do i ever regret his father , i regret giving in to his bullshit and really believing he was on the same page as me doing what was best for nate when all this time , he's taking advantage of the situation to kick me where it hurts, My Mommy heart....

So when you tuck your kids in bed tonight and watch them drift away to lala land.... remember that some of us dont have the chance to and even though i have other kids to keep me busy and to watch sleep and tuck in , my heart is broken ... its like a puzzle that is missing a piece, you know that feeling you get as a mom where you wonder where your child is, what he or she is doing , are they safe ? well i live with that feeling since September 2010 , every day , every night... i do not know anything about where he is , what hes doing, if hes safe... i cant walk over there to make sure hes ok , i can only call and pray he picks up ... and now a days i dont even get to hear him over the phone. Its heartbreaking , its horrible and i do not wish this on anyone not even my worst enemys...So cherish your babies as you watch them grow up and take part in all they do and never take anything for granted. If your a seperated mom and have to share your child with their dad or mom or even if you have a step child... Always be careful , you never know when someone will turn on you ...

As you can see this post started about money and ended with me talking about my son and how hard it is on me and him.... Its clearly not the money im worried because i know ill make it through and find a solution ... but it is about my son and that i want whats best for him and miss him terribly , Money will always be there and its a situation that solutions will come and fix it in a flash ... But My baby will grow up and things will never be the same if i dont fight for him and give HIM a voice on what he wants and needs to succeed... It's horrible that his father doesnt see this and doesnt consider his needs and all he wants is to hurt me and take the one thing i cherish the most and that he knows he can hurt me with.... Our kids are not weapons , they are Tresures.... we need to appreaciate them , hear them out and love them , teach them to stand up for themselves and that even though they are so little , they have a choice and they have a voice.

So i'm going to fight for him , give him a voice and let him be the captain of his ship ... His dad and i have our differences and we will deal with them but for now all that matters is my son . I thank god that my daughter's father and i have great comunication , we get along and we want the same things for our daughter .... Thats the key people , when you seperated from the father of your child , your seperated from THEM ... NOT your child and its not a competition to see who gets more and who gets less ... Its a battle but i doesnt have to be a bad batttle... I have seen both sides , the bad battle and the good battle. And if my daughter's father can read this , i wanna say Thank you! Thank you for being a good dad and putting our daughter first and agreeing that we are there for her as parents even though we live appart..... with that said all i have to add is , It's all about TEAM WORK.....

Have a great day everyone,
xox
Martine